On playing the fool
or giving myself permission to exist (creatively and not) just because, and a list of things that help with mental survival
Hello beautiful people! February is over—can you believe it?
It’s March and after two creatively rough months so far, I’m in the process of reprogramming my brain to believe that creativity shouldn’t concern itself with whether or not others attribute “worth” to it. I rewatched Ethan Hawke’s amazing TED Talk and have taken it upon myself to play the fool. To not over-analyze whether what I write has any literary merit and whether it will be well-received.
Other than that, most days I struggle with staying off social media and the constant carousel of horror updates and images out of Gaza, combined with reading extremely one-sided articles on German mainstream media on the aggression.
As a result, my mind is a constant cocktail of rage and grief, hopelessness and impending doom. Adding to this are news of the oceans boiling, AI tools aking over our lives and used in so many unsavory, unethical and downright criminal ways, as well as everything else that is wrong with the world (literally pick any of hundreds of evils). Frankly, it is a wonder I am still functioning.
Every day begins with me actively trying not to despair. Of searching for islands of comfort and hope. Thankfully, I have a family I love and great friends who offer the support I need. When everything else fails, these people are the ones who throw the lifeline to pull me to safety.
Art is another lifeline, so I’m turning to books, music and films/shows to soothe the anxious goblin haunting my mental space. Hagrid’s Fluffy also loved music, right?
2024 started with a bang as I saw six of my poems get published! Five of them on Sky Island Journal’s Issue 27 and one on Querencia’s Winter 2024 Anthology which you can order and enjoy as a hardcopy! My writer friends showed up for me with so much love and support for both events, which made me emotional in all the right ways. Community paramount and I felt seen and held in ways I never could’ve anticipated one year ago.
After riding the wave of that high though, I returned to anticipating the next round of rejections (which came in two consecutive days at once—do not recommend). There’s still one I eagerly await, and I say “eagerly” in the most ironic way, since I still have a submission with The New Yorker (I know…) on “Received” since May 9, 2023.
I am in literary purgatory, and will stay here for the foreseeable future. Just for laughs I will eventually share the amount of time it takes them to change the status of the submission from “Received” to “Declined” without even jumping to “In-Progress” for appearance’s sake.
While trying to recharge I have taken up reading and watching films again.
I already finished an advanced reader’s copy of Instructions for Travelling West by
and it was as soul-nourishing as I expected. If you’re interested in a longer review of the collection you can find that here. Even if you don’t normally read poems, this collection will turn you into a true admirer of Joy’s work and consequently poetry in general. Pre-order here. You won’t regret it.Since January I have also read more essays from Brian Doyle’s “One Long River of Song” and one called “Testimonio” touched me especially because it comments on how an an inherent arrogance of people who think they are in possession of the absolute truth, is at the root of so much suffering. That tenderness, humor, admitting one’s own unknowing, are powerful tools to deal with real problems and find solutions that don’t involve violence.
Other things I read and loved: Todd Dillard’s poems over at Only Poems, along with an interview I thoroughly enjoyed. His writing is accessible, striking, and nuanced, three elements I always try to infuse my own poems with.
What’s been sitting on my night stand is “Greek Lessons” by Han Kang (of course) and “The creative act” by Rick Rubin which didn’t initially draw me in (a little too esoteric new-wavey for me with too many references to THE Universe) but I have reached a point where Rubin’s insights on the creative life resonate more with my personal experience, so I actually enjoy it more now. I am also reading “The Wishing Game” for Book club and that is all I have to say about this book.
I have watched quite a bit of TV and movies, only because my mind is refusing to do actual mental work in the evenings. Some of the things I watched that helped with this were:
“One Day” on Netflix was an absolute delight.
The book really hit me when it came out, which made my disappointment at the 2011 film even bigger: I thought the casting wasn’t ideal (there was no chemistry), the story was butchered to fit a 90-minute format, they even changed the Greek holiday for a French one, which—no disrespect, France is wonderful, but— felt so flat compared to what the original chapter was doing in the book. NOTHING captures sexual tension like a holiday mid-July on a Greek island. Nothing.
I thought Ambika Mod and Leo Woodall embodied the characters and their relationship perfectly and watching them felt very real. I knew how the series ended and still I cried. It was heart-breaking and at the same time hopeful: to watch two people find each other again and again over the years, despite all sorts of difficult circumstances, captures perfectly what true love is about. I can’t recommend it enough.
I also rewatched “Normal People” because it is absolutely spectacular and much better than the book. There, I said it. Daisy Edgar Jones rendered so much humanity to the inherent arrogance that surrounded the book character of Marianne, that it made watching the show so heartbreaking. That and of course Paul Mescal! Always Paul Mescal.
I have since also watched “Poor things” and “All of us strangers” and I have thoughts.
I appreciated Lanthimos’ vision in “Poor Things”, the striking photography, the social commentary on women’s self-determination, but it was extremely hard for me to suspend my discomfort at the first part of the movie (won’t spoil anything here but let’s just say I’m not a prude as far as films go, and yet a certain aspect of the film struck a visceral nerve that made my skin crawl). After that part was over, I could enjoy the film more. Still think that I probably should have started with “The Lobster” and then “The favourite”. Anyhoooo.
“All of us strangers” was heart-breaking, borderline depressing, weird and tender at the same time. Honestly I watched it because of Andrew Scott and Paul Mescal. (Always Paul Mescal). When the credits rolled, I saw that it was an adaptation of a Japanese novel and it all made sense (the Japanese do love their ghost stories). It isn’t a “feel-good” movie, it’s a “feel” movie. And you do. Oh you do.
The world is still on fire, my mind is still littered with images of unimaginable suffering, yet the needs of every day life keep pulling at the hem of my skirt, urging me to pay attention. The first two months of 2024 have been mostly coping. I don’t know what the rest of the year will bring, but hope for something to end the terror unfolding in Gaza, for those in power to grow a heart and stop this carnage and for the people there to have a chance at a real life.
That’s it. That’s the update. I’m sorry I don’t have a wittier, funnier version of this post laying around in a folder somewhere. I decided to publish it in the hopes to get the newsletter running again. I have been stunned to silence because I couldn’t fathom writing about anything other than the suffering I watch every day. Yet, I also need to connect to the humanity that is affected by the current events, and that means writing and sharing through it. At least for me.
As always, thank you for reading.
"the constant carousel of horror updates and images" I'm failing miserably at "appropriate response." I loved seeing your child's 4-year-old art. Precious and so much better than anything I could produce.
Help me with the recommendations, I'm confused: [“One Day” on Netflix was an absolute delight. The book really hit me when it came out, which made my disappointment at the 2011 film even bigger."] Are you saying "yes" it's great, watch it? "absolute delight" Or, move on to the next suggestion? Ha, ha, forgive me, I need a good recommendation but I'm confused. #aging #brain
My friend Kara is using March as a new new year, maybe that will resonate with you! Thank you for sharing your journey with us