What you didn't know about parenthood (pt. 1)
or maybe you did, in which case: why didn't you warn me?
Disclaimer: This post meant to be, at least in part, humorous. What I write is based on personal observations and opinions, and not every point I make reflects everyone’s reality. No Stacies were hurt in the making of this newsletter.
1. Having children will 110% change you
We all know them: the ones who claim parenthood won’t change them. I once heard such a clinical example of deranged over-confidence (it might have even been me—no wait, it wasn’t) claim “having a kid won’t change our life, we’ll just continue doing everything we did before, with the baby tagging along”.
I call bullshit right there, Stacy. There are actual scientific studies that prove babies’ cells live in their mothers’ brains after birth. Like years after. The phenomenon is called microchimerism, derived from the Greek word χίμαιρα (Chimera) which was a snake-tailed, half-goat/half-lion creature, that breathed fire. Because who wouldn’t think of a mythical monster to describe the wonder that is the interconnectedness in the creation of all human life? (Just kidding, I’m all for naming EVERYTHING after Greek words/mythology).
So having children, quite literally changes women on a cellular level.
Secondly: claiming you will live life as you did before, Stacy, just goes to show how little thought you have given to this thing called parenthood. Really? You will maintain your pre-pregnancy and pre-birth body? Υοur hormone levels will stay the same? You’ll continue sleeping until 11 a.m. on the weekends, and party like it’s 2001 any time you feel like it? You will travel like a back-packing 20-year-old without a care in the world? You will keep the same friends? Same tiny apartment in the center of whatever city it is you live? Drive the same car, eat at the same places, wear the same clothes, talk about the same subjects and work the same hours? (And all of that is assuming your offspring will be a healthy/non-disabled child. Don’t even get me started on the challenges of raising a child with a disability).
If you do all those things, Stacy, well… I will save my judgemental words to myself.
In all seriousness though: Sure there are things some people may try extra hard to maintain even after having children. Like certain friendships or routines they hold dear. Some moms may even not feel like they have been exorcized from their old body after birth (I despise the expression “bounce back”—we are not balls and our bodies are not meant to be dribbled with).
I think by focusing on whether or not we return to a certain appearance, or maintain a level of unbotheredness after becoming a parent to measure our level of ““success”” at it, we are missing the point.
When circumstances in our lives change, we need to re-allign our modus operandi and expectations, in order to adapt and grow into our new reality. When said circumstances involve a baby depending on us COMPLETELY for survival, then I would say that calls for some pretty major re-allignment. Hear that, Stacy?
2. 99% of parenting is repetition
From the moment they scream their way into the light, babies entire existence and well-being depends on their parents’ ability to perform certain tasks in perpetuity. In the first couple of months/years this consists mostly of comforting, feeding, changing, cleaning and helping them fall sleep. The older your little clones grow, the more varied some tasks may get, but you can bet your sweet behind you will also repeat these new and updated tasks until you no longer know what it was you ever called “life” before them.
You will repeat meals, games, books, words, entire sentences until your tongue grows hair (just go with it, it’s an expression we have home). You will repeat daily rituals, walking routes, and clothes until out of an entire wardrobe of cute little outfits, little mini-you will repeatedly chooses an old pyjama with a hole in the knee because…reasons.
Your main responsibility as a parent is to not let the repetition break you too much. Because it will. Oh, it will.
So if you’re entertaining the idea of becoming a parent, I hope you are very comfortable with living in your own personalized version of Groundhog Day. Get your snack and beverage of choice, you will be here for roughly the next two decades.
3. You will at one point, inevitably, feel like you’ve failed
Like you shouldn’t have said what you did. Like you over-reacted over something trivial. Like you were too loud/not supportive enough. Too inattentive. The fact you even think about these things, means you aren’t as bad as you might think. I try to remind myself this when I have a not-so-good day, and the morning starts rough and the rest of the day follows suit, and by the time the kids are sleeping I count all the instances in which I could’ve done better. I have never met a parent worth their salt who claimed they were doing everything right. What helps me get over such dark spots in my parenting journey is a) apologizing to my children b) holding myself accountable to do better the next day and c) forgiving myself (harder than it sounds).
Children are incredibly loving and forgiving creatures. They sort of have to be—their survival depends on trusting the person in charge of their life. This is both a relief but also incredibly scary. The task of raising them is not to be taken lightly, and yet should at the same time be filled with silliness, joy, and grace when things don’t go as imagined.
So when one day sucked and you feel like crap as a parent, just remember:
Tomorrow is a new day. You get to start over. And your kids still love you.
Thank you for reading Part 1 of this rant-y, all over the place post. Stay tuned for Part 2 soon.
Love,Elisa
You're not wrong!🤣
"I have never met a parent worth their salt who claimed they were doing everything right." You know, I was just thinking about this the other day because both my mom (who recently passed) and my MIL are those parents who always believed they did everything right. As a parent myself, wrestling with all the times I wish I could do better when I'm doing my best, I sometimes wonder how it's even possible to get through the whole parenting journey and stay that self-absorbed and that self-deceived as to think you never do anything wrong.
I enjoyed the read, it's a good balance of insight and humor!